Now that a husband and wife are experiencing empty nesting, the wife wonders is the marriage worth saving or is it time to walk away. Jessica normalizes the feelings the woman is experiencing and shares advice on steps to take before deciding to end the marriage.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
Is the marriage worth saving or is it time to walk away?
HEY JESSICA: Our youngest child went off to college last fall, so my husband and I are fully empty nesters now. The transition to it being just the two of us has been rough. Our lives were so focused on our kids for so many years and now that they are gone it feels like there is this huge void. I thought once the kids were gone, we would have lots of time to reconnect with one another and do fun things like we used to before kids, but instead we are both working a ton, focusing on our own personal hobbies, and not really spending any more time together than we used to. But we are still bickering. A lot. And recently I have started wondering whether this is the life I want for the next 20, 30, or 40 years. More and more I find myself wondering is the marriage worth saving or is it time to walk away? ~Should I Stay or Should I Go
DEAR SHOULD I:
Transitions are hard for any relationship and you and your husband have just experienced a major, emotionally fraught transition, so it’s no surprise that this phase has been challenging. But just because it’s normal or expected, doesn’t mean that it’s pleasant and I can completely understand how the tensions you are experiencing in your marriage would lead you to wonder whether this partnership is still serving the two of you.
But now is not the time to make a decision like that (unless, of course, you are unsafe in which case we are having a different discussion, and I want you to get to a place of safety as quickly as you can). I once heard that you shouldn’t make any major life changes or decisions in the year after an immediate family member dies because your grief can skew your vision of the world so much. I would hazard to say the same advice is relevant for recent empty nesters. Not that your child has passed away, thank goodness (!), but you and your husband are both facing a major shift in your identities. While you will always be parents, the daily nature of that piece of your life has shifted and that is a huge adjustment.
So, instead, I would think about using this first year of empty nesting as an opportunity to explore your relationship in this new phase. I would start by sitting down with your husband and naming your fears. That might look like you saying something along the lines of, “I wanted to check in about how you think things have been going since we became empty nesters. For me, it feels like we haven’t yet found a new rhythm and way to connect with each other and that is making me a bit sad and also worried for what our future might look like. So, I was hoping we could talk about ways that we could work to reestablish our connection with one another.”
If your husband agrees, then you guys can start brainstorming ways that you could spend more time together. It could be starting a new hobby you both will enjoy, going to concerts or events, finding a service project to work on, cooking dinner together each night, or returning to activities you used to love doing together. The point is to find something that is fun and engaging for you both. I’m not at this stage yet, but I have heard from friends that are that one of the highlights of this time is that having sex becomes easier since the risk of interruption is removed – so that could be fun!
If, on the other hand, your husband doesn’t think there is a problem or you both agree that the problem is bigger than just spending time together, then a great next step might be finding a marriage counselor to work with you both on navigating this transition. Similarly, having your own therapist (or a coach like me) may be helpful during this transitional time as you seek to determine what you want this next phase of life to look like for you.
No matter what, I would caution you to not jump into any major decision. You have lots to work out right now about how you view yourself and your role in the world, as well as your connection to your spouse. So, please, give yourselves some grace, be patient, and do your best to communicate with your partner – you both deserve it.