A woman moves to a new town and struggles to meet people and asks how do I make friends in midlife? Jessica acknowledges the challenges and then offers some ideas of ways to find your people.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
HEY JESSICA: I moved to a new city about a year ago and am really struggling to make friends. In the past, my friendships developed naturally. In my 20s, I met people through work and through other friends. Then, when my kids were little, I made parent friends in “Mommy and Me” classes, at school events, and on the soccer field sidelines. But now, I am at a total loss. I’m not a major introvert, but I’m definitely not the kind of extrovert that can just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation. How do people meet other people in middle age? I’m at a complete loss and super lonely. Help! ~Friendless in Frederick
DEAR FRIENDLESS IN FREDERICK:
There’s no getting around it, making friends later in life can be challenging… but it isn’t impossible! First, let’s start with where you might be able to meet people. It sounds like, in the past, you were able to make friends through work. I’m guessing since that hasn’t been a source for you at this stage in life that either there aren’t people you are naturally connecting with, it’s awkward because you’re their boss/supervisor, or you work remotely or not at all, which means there aren’t local co-workers to connect with. But, if that isn’t true and there are some people at work that you think might be potential friends with, then I think reaching out to them would be a great first step. It could be as simple as saying, “hey, I’m going out to grab lunch, wanna come along?” Just opening the door can be all that people need to start opening up themselves.
Assuming work isn’t an option, though, there are lots of other ways that you can meet people.
- Meet-ups can be a great option. You can find one that focuses on a topic, hobby, or activity you enjoy, or you can go to one that is for some demographic that you are a part of (women in midlife, people who share your culture, etc.). If you don’t see one that appeals to you, one of the great things about meet-ups is that you can always start one yourself and see if people join!
- If you play a sport or love a good workout class, joining a team or class can be a great way to meet people.
- If you are religious, attending services and then attending the social hour afterwards can be a nice way to meet like-minded folks.
- If your neighborhood has a listserv, joining that and then showing up to neighborhood events can be a way to find kindred spirits.
- If you have a new hobby that you’d like to explore, such as painting or knitting or even improv, signing up for a class can be an easy way to meet people.
- If you have a dog that gets along with other dogs, I know a number of people who have made lifelong friends standing around in the dog park.
Now, meeting people is just step one. The next step is, for many people, the much scarier part and that’s expressing interest in becoming friends with someone. It can feel really scary to take that next step and ask someone who you are just getting to know to do something more together. I get it, it terrifies me, too. But after a number of experiences where I swallowed my pride and fear and just put it all out there by asking someone to go to an event or do some sort of activity with me, what I have come to realize is that people love to be asked because, the truth is, most of us want more friends and it feels good to be asked!
So, Friendless, I know it’s scary, but I would challenge you to find a community that interests you in some way and then, if there is someone who seems like they have friend potential, take the leap and ask if they want to hang out. Chances are, they’ll say yes, and even if they don’t, you can take pride in the fact that you were brave and friendly, and know that your next potential friend is just around the corner.