A husband notes a change in his wife that is leading to lots of rage-filled reactions. Wanting to support her, he asks Jessica about how to handle a wife’s anger from menopause. Jessica explores different reasons his wife could be experiencing so much rage and then walks through how to respond and support a spouse as they go through midlife.
Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can help women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.
How to Handle a Wife’s Anger from Menopause
Hey Jessica: I know you usually answer questions that are sent it by women, but as the husband of a woman in perimenopause I was hoping that you could answer a question for me. My wife has always been a pretty even-keeled person, but recently, as she’s been going through perimenopause, her moods have changed dramatically. At least a few times a week now she’ll fly off into a rage. Part of what’s hard is that there is no rhyme or reason to what’s upsetting her. She’s lost it over scheduling mess ups, the volume of the TV being too high, our kids not getting their homework done, even someone chewing too loudly. A lot of the time there is a small kernel of truth in what she’s upset about, but the reactions are way out of proportion and asking her to calm down does not go well. Can you please talk about how to handle a wife’s anger from menopause?
~A Concerned Spouse
Dear Concerned Spouse,
Thank you for your question and for being interested in supporting your wife rather than just blaming her. First, I want to say that it could very well be that these angry moments are due to the hormone fluctuations that come with the menopause transition, but I think it’s also important to acknowledge that there could be other reasons for her short fuse including: stress, exhaustion, burnout, or the onset of depression or anxiety.
Now in terms of how you can help your wife, the best thing you can do is share with her what you’ve noticed and then make it as easy as possible for her to get the help or support she needs. Here’s how I suggest you do this:
The first step is going to be checking in with her. You will want to do this at a time when (1) she is calm (do NOT try to have this conversation when she is upset) and (2) there aren’t other distractions like kids, work, or other stressors pulling at her. I would recommend that you start the conversation off with something like, “I’ve noticed that recently you’ve had a number of moments when you’ve gotten really angry in a way that is kind of uncharacteristic, so I wanted to check in to see how you are doing and if there is anything I can do to help.” Chances are good that she is aware of what has been going on and is not feeling good about it, so do your very best to seem nonjudgmental but concerned and open to hearing from her about what is going on.
If she acknowledges the anger issues, then I would ask if she has any idea why it might be happening. If she says she isn’t sure, then you can offer up possible reasons (see list above), but before you do that try to let her share what she sees as the issues – it is her body and mental health, after all.
If she denies that there are issues, then you are going to have a trickier conversation on your hands. In this case, I would recommend acknowledging her perspective and then gently sharing some examples of what you are concerned about. That might be by saying something like, “it’s really helpful to know that you aren’t experiencing this the same way I am. Would it be alright if I shared some examples of what I’m talking about – not to make you feel guilty or bad, but rather to help you to see what I am seeing?” Then I’d give 2 or 3 examples (don’t share a laundry list!). When she’s then acknowledged that something has shifted, then you can work with her to figure out reasons why it might be happening.
Once you are more or less on the same page, it’s time to talk about potential solutions. In all likelihood, in order to really determine what’s going on she is going to need to go see either her primary care doctor or her OB/GYN. If they are well-trained (fingers crossed!), they’ll be able to both screen her for mental health struggles and perimenopause symptoms. To make this easier for her, I would offer to take on child care, making dinner, or any other tasks that could give her some more time and space to get to the doctor’s appointment without added stress or strain.
After the culprit has been identified, the final step is going to be allowing her to decide what to do about it. If it seems to be related to perimenopause, then getting on Menopause Hormone Therapy might be helpful. If it seems like it might be due to mental health challenges, she may want to find a therapist and/or talk to her doctor about anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs. And if it turns out to be related to stress, exhaustion, and/or burnout, then therapy or working with a coach may be good options.
No matter the reason, though, she is clearly going through a challenging time, so I would encourage you to do your best to step up. Talk through what things you can take off her plate, find ways to give her a break, and just generally be supportive as she navigates this midlife transition.
I know it isn’t fun. I know it can be exhausting and frustrating when your spouse is often losing their temper. But, hopefully, between your desire to help and her desire to make a change, a solution can be found. Good luck!