Ask Jessica: How to Convince Elderly Parents to Move In With You

A woman in midlife wants her elderly mother to come to live with her family, but her mother isn’t interested in leaving her home or her community. So, she asks Jessica how to convince elderly parents to move in with you both for your piece of mind and so you can enjoy time together before it’s too late. Jessica lays out an approach to communicating with elderly parents about aging in place versus moving in with family in a way that is grounded in reality but also compassionate towards their own need for a sense of independence.

Ask Jessica is an advice column for women in midlife. We cover all things related to midlife from changing bodies to career transitions to parenting teens to sandwich generation challenges to shifts in marital or life partnerships and everything in between. My hope is that in sharing these questions and answers I can help women as we face the midlife journey together. Got a question or challenge you would like me to address? Fill out this form to submit your issue! Want to see the answers to other questions, check out our archive here.

How to Convince Elderly Parents to Move In With You

Hey Jessica: My mom is 82 and lives alone about 400 miles from me. I would really like it if she moved in with me and my family both because I would like to be able to keep a closer eye on her as she gets older and because I would love for my family to be able to have more time with her before it’s too late. She, though, is not a fan of the idea. She likes her house, she likes her community, she is still capable of taking care of herself, and she hates the idea of being a burden later on. I understand where she is coming from, but I feel like if we wait until she is struggling it will be a much more stressful process. Do you have any advice on how to convince elderly parents to move in with you?

~A Doting Daughter

Dear Doting Daughter,

It sounds like you are finding yourself in one of the challenging sandwich generation moments that many of us experience as our parents age. Finding ways to support and help your parents while also helping them to maintain their sense of independence and pride can be really tricky. But I think with some clear and careful communication, you and your mom can find a solution that will work for both of you.

While I totally understand your deep emotional desire both to take care of your mom and to soak up as much time as possible with her, the truth is that the answer to your question of how to convince elderly parents to move in with you is going to depend on those emotional factors, but also some logistical ones. So, in order to reach the best decision possible, I think it is important to get clear on a number of different issues and only once you have a more complete picture of the situation can you and your mom make the best decision for you both.

The first factor to think about is geographical location. You mentioned that your mom doesn’t want to leave her community. Is moving something she doesn’t want to do now when she is still feeling vibrant or does she mean that she’d really like to stay where she is for the rest of her life? And, realistically, if she wants to stay in her community long term, is there a support system she could tap into as her health needs change? Social connection is incredibly important as we age. Does she have a strong social network where she is now or is she already pretty lonely? Would moving her to your area isolate her or do you already know of ways that she could become part of a community where you live?

The next piece to look at is her house. Is it a house in which she could safely age-in-place (even if you don’t like this idea) or would it be difficult? Having a clear idea of what would be needed in order to make her home truly safe for the long haul is going to be an important data point. How would upkeep of the house be handled including things like yard work, snow removal, and house cleaning? Similarly, if she did move in with you, is your house well set up for an aging person? And would she be comfortable in your house (i.e., is there a space that would ideally give her some privacy and sense of independence, while still being safe)? If not, do you have a plan to remedy that?

We also need to think about finances. Can she afford to keep her house? If she wanted to stay in the area she’s in now, are there retirement communities that she could consider that are within her budget, should she need more support and care? If she wanted to eventually come closer to you but also wanted to maintain some sort of independence, could she afford to live in a retirement community or nearby elderly-friendly apartment? Or, is coming to live with you eventually really the only reasonable financial choice she has?

Additionally, I think it’s important to be realistic about your capacity. If she were to stay 400 miles away, but was in a set up that you felt comfortable with, would you be OK with that emotionally? How about logistically – if she had a health scare, for instance, would you be able to take time to be with her as needed? If she were to be closer by, would adding her needs to your daily life be manageable give your other obligations?

Finally, there is, perhaps, the most emotional piece: your desire to have more time together. I completely understand your desire to be together so that you have more time together, but if that didn’t work out are there other ways that you could have more time together? Could you visit more frequently? Or could you have her come for extended visits but not move completely (this can also be a great way to do a test run for her moving in)? Just like with all of these other pieces of the puzzle, having options to choose from can be really helpful.

If you know the answers to these questions, then you can jump past this next step, but if you don’t, then I think having a conversation with your mom where you talk through all of these issues would be a really helpful first step. First, because you will gain really important information, but also because sometimes we need to be asked questions like these in order to start getting a clearer picture of what the future might actually look like. To launch this conversation, I would recommend starting with something like, “Mom, I know that it can be unpleasant to think about future plans, but I would feel a lot better if we could think through some different scenarios so that we aren’t caught flat-footed later on.”

Once you have a clear picture of what your mom wants long-term, what is logistically realistic, and what is financially possible, then it’s time for the next conversation: reviewing the options. This may seem obvious, but I think it is important to note that while our elderly parents may need our help, they are still adults who deserve to have a say in how they live their lives. So, I think the most productive and empowering option is to present your mom with different possibilities that would work for you and for her and see what is most appealing. Perhaps the best option for both of you will immediately become clear. Perhaps you’ll have some different options you guys can try out. No matter what, though, to be able to go into this with everyone feeling as good as possible is going to be super important for your relationship as well as for your piece of mind. Good luck!