A concerned mom shares about a troubled friend of her son’s and asks can you stop your teen from being friends with someone? Jessica explains why banning a friendship can do more harm than good and offers suggestions on how to protect her son while maintaining open trust and communication.
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Hey Jessica: My son is a freshman in high school and is, for the most part, a really good kid. He does well in school and is extremely kind and thoughtful. My concern is with one of his friends. The kid sounds like he is nice and usually fun to be around (I’ve never met him), but he is definitely troubled. My son tells me that this kid does a lot of drugs, both illegal and over the counter, and also shoplifts frequently. He has also been diagnosed with a pretty major mental health disorder and has at least once called my son during what sounded like a suicidal moment. I don’t want to tell my kid who he can and can’t be friends with and I do trust my kid when he tells me that he is not doing drugs or stealing, but I worry that this friend will either get my son into trouble by association or, even more worrying, that something terrible will happen (overdose, suicide attempt, etc.) and my son will feel somehow responsible. I’m really grateful that my son has told me about what has been going on so far and don’t want to ruin that trust, but it is taking all of my effort not to scream, “stay away from this kid!” So I guess my question is, can you stop your teen from being friends with someone? Or do you have other ideas on how to navigate this tricky situation? I don’t want to seem heartless, but I also don’t want my son to get hurt.
~A Super Worried Mom
Can You Stop Your Teen From Being Friends with Someone?
Dear Worried Mom,
Wow. I totally understand why you are worried! That sounds like a very difficult, scary, and sad situation. First, I want to praise you for building a relationship with your son that is open enough for him to feel comfortable sharing all that he has already shared with you – good work! Having that kind of relationship with your son may prove to be very helpful here. And while I totally understand your desire for them not to be friends anymore, I do think you are right that telling your son who he can and can’t be friends with is not the best idea, especially in this situation, because maintaining open and honest communication here is going to be key.
I think your best bet in a situation like this is to give your son all of the tools and support that you can so that he feels as equipped as possible to handle whatever might come up. It sounds like you’ve already mastered the first step: making sure your son knows that he can always come and talk to you. I would reiterate this point and might also emphasize that should he ever find himself in a position with this friend (or anyone) where he needs help, advice, or support you will always be available and will not get angry with him. Asking for help should always be a safe option.
The next thing I would do is emphasize that it is not now, nor will it ever be, your son’s job to save this kid. He can be his friend and support him when he’s sad or struggling, but it is not on your son to solve his friend’s problems for him. Furthermore, I would remind him that there are adults who are available to help, including you, his friend’s parents (assuming there isn’t a bad situation at home), school counselors, and teachers. And I would emphasize that if your son ever feels like he is in over his head with this friend or that the friend is a danger to himself or others, your son can (and should) get the help of a trusted adult.
Then I would talk about some different scenarios and how he might handle them. What would he do if the friend was shoplifting while they were together? How would he handle it if the friend got high while they were hanging out? What would he say if his friend offered him or pressured him to try drugs, alcohol, etc.? And I would ask, are there any scenarios that you worry about that we should plan for?
I would also encourage you to purchase Narcan (the over-the-counter medication anyone can administer to revive someone from an opioid overdose) both to have in your own home and for your son to carry in his backpack, just in case. I know this can be really uncomfortable. It is awful to have to think about how scary it would be if this kid, or any other friend of your son’s, overdosed and your son had to handle it, but it is even scarier to think of what would happen if your son didn’t have this life-saving tool at his disposal.
Finally, I know that all of this sound absolutely terrifying and may make you want to keep your son away from this kid even more, but this is where you have to trust your son and the parenting job you have done. The fact that you are communicating so openly and have built such good trust is going to be a major protective factor as your son navigates this tricky terrain. And I’ll also say that the friends we have in freshman year of high school are very often not the friends we have throughout the four years, especially if the classes we take differ. So be patient, maintain that trust, be available, and hopefully this kid will get the help he really needs. Hang in there.